Master Cleanse Day 7

Last year, I experienced Day 7 euphoria. This time around, not so much. I didn't feel crappy or sick. I just wanted food.

I walked into the office at the beginning of the day on Friday and glanced over at the kitchen and saw some gold shiny packages on one of the tables. I thought maybe it was a bag of coffee. Coffee belongs in the cabinet, idiots, what is it doing on the table? I went closer-- my first mistake--it was 2 bags of Haribo Gummy Bears!!! I love gummy bears!!!!! I walked out and in a few times to see if anyone had taken them. No one had. So I picked up the bag. I wanted to rip it open and shove a handful into my mouth and chop on their fruity, gummy goodness. I didn't. But I squirreled it away in a desk drawer for later.

It gets worse.

Someone decided our office needed an entire spread of goods from Geddes Bakery that morning so spread they did! I think there were 4 or 5 boxes of donuts, danishes, pastries, muffins, etc. in our office kitchen. I better not look at them. Aw shit, I looked!!!

Mind you, this was not just some Friday treat. Okay, it was a treat on Friday. But 3 other days this week, SOMEONE brought a dozen donuts to work. One day, an employee AND vendor brought over a box of donuts. That's 2 rounds in one day. NO ONE needs this crap or deserves to indulge that many days in the week! No one!

Well good for me because I was cleansing so I didn't have to help clear up. I just had to throw the box away when it was empty...or had two left in it. Whatever. Donuts are garbage so that's where they went.

Anyhow I thought it was over once the baked goods collection was whittled down to one box. Nope.

Gino & Joe's called mid-morning to ask our Italian mother accounting clerk (who does all the food ordering) about a credit card order she had placed. Okay, this is fair warning here. Someone ordered pizza. Since no one told me about this, I figured it was a few people going in on a lunch delivery together, not pizza for the whole company.

Well.

I found out it was pizza for the production employees when the delivery guy showed up through the front door with 5 boxes and plopped them down RIGHT ON MY FUCKING DESK!!!!! How dare you?!?!!?!?! I don't get any doubly because it's not for me and because I'm cleansing. This is the worst!!

I did my best not to make eye contact with the boxes and focus on my work as Ms. Mozzarella was signing the receipt and the quality manager whisked the pizzas away to go feed the vultures out back. I thought I'd be relieved but the scent of fresh baked dough, garlic and oregano still lingered in the air and forced itself into my nostrils. At this point, I was just angry. I was also angry because the copier was being a pain but that's another story.

I escaped for my "lunch" hour to buy some more organic lemons. When I came back, leftover pizza was ON THE BREAK TABLE, sitting there, just smelling delicious.

I'm not kidding you. Like a K9 I could sniff every single scent incorporated in that bitch-ass pie. I stood about 20 feet from it but it was as if it were right under my nose about to be inserted into my mouth for a cheesy saucy explosion all over my tastebuds.

By 3:30pm, no one had eaten the last slice. I wrapped it delicately in the parchment lining at the bottom of the box and ceremoniously threw it in the garbage. The last of the danishes and muffins went there too.

Went home to do my SWF in some temptation-free relief but I couldn't stop thinking about food.