Well.
I drank my senna tea Friday night and woke up Saturday morning as it began to work.
I was waiting until I had the place to myself because I had planned to do the salt water flush in the morning before any lemonade. I started to feel fuzzy and my caffeine withdrawal headache was in full force so at around 10am I made myself a drink. I had another a little bit before noon because the weak feeling was not going away. And then I think I had another shortly thereafter...I'm not sure...maybe I was just thinking about it.
Soon, I found myself sitting on the floor in the bathroom with my head hanging over the toilet bowl. How could this be? I cleansed last year in February and did not have such an adverse reaction. I've been eating mostly organic since then so this can't mean my body is more toxic!
Anyhow, from about 2pm until 10pm, I could not keep anything down, not even a sip of water. After thinking about why on earth this is happening, I brought up to my fiancee that maybe I'm more toxic this year because I've been on lots of asthma medication. Then we recalled that since I was getting ready for the cleanse, I discontinued my heartburn medication. It would make sense that if this medication inhibited my stomach's production of acid, that it's possible that it may have compensated by making more. And all that strong acid was just sitting there in my stomach without any food to digest. This explains the very burning, painful vomiting of the contents of my empty stomach.
Needless to say, Day 1 was awful. I'm not so sure I should even call it Day 1 because all the lemonade I had was purged and I took a couple doses of pepto in order to finally neutralize my stomach acid so that I could stop throwing it up.
On the morning of Day 2, I still felt very weak as I hadn't had any sustenance in the last 36 hours. But after some coaxing, I managed to down two glasses of lemonade. Then I finally felt like a functioning human being. I was able to -somewhat foggily- lead our fellowship meeting with smiling and singing. Afterward though, during a conversation I started helplessly crying for no reason! Mind you this is Sunday morning and I hadn't taken my herbal laxative since Friday night, nor done the SWF so my body's only way to expel toxins was through my tongue, sweat or maybe my tear glands? I don't know. Either way, my routine was turned upside down and I basically spent half of the previous in bed or puking.
The rest of today has been great- only a few moments of feeling weak or fuzzy. And lemonade definitely made those go away. There were some more challenging moments, however. We were offered both a free lunch AND a free dinner today which we regretfully turned down. It also didn't help that we passed by a new sushi joint up the road.
You truly do not realize how much food is such a prominent focus in life until you stop eating! Food is often used in comparison to non-food related things! Food can easily be the subject of conversation with just about anyone.
I think I remember it getting easier with time, so we'll see how it goes. Drinking senna tonight and hoping to feel different I've flushed away some toxins in the morning!
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Easing In
So this vegan thing isn't very easy! Hell, being a vegetarian is totally hard for someone who is usually an omnivore.
This morning I was trying to track the days so far I've been a vegan or vegetarian. Sunday I had barbequed chicken for breakfast! It wasn't an ease-in day though. I don't remember Monday. I had some cheesecake and there was some parmesan on my sprouted grain pasta. I think Monday was meat-free.
On New year's eve I stayed the night at the home of a couple of friends who were doing the Master Cleanse together. They also happen to be moving so they gladly gave away a ton of the groceries. Score! Part of that was a 6lb bag of carrots, a bell pepper, and half a bag of oranges. We made off with a few packaged food with health claims or sporting the green "All Natural" label (which we know does not make it healthy). Nonetheless, it was nice to go home with some free groceries a few days before the anticipated expenses of organic lemons.
Anyhow, on the morning of January 1st, I had planned to make oatmeal but that was interrupted when the couple suggested having some organic vanilla (sugar filled) yogurt with some Kashi (sugar filled) cereal. Garrison indulged. I had 2 oranges. I was starving not long after so we got some dried mango from the health food store (we were there to pick up Stanley Burroughs' book and some copper supplements).
After we came home, I sauteed some garlic, onions, carrots and green peppers in some coconut oil and doused my veggies with Frank's Red Hot then wrapped up the mixture in a (mostly) whole wheat tortilla. I had 2. Garrison put cheese on his. I refrained so up to this point, I had a vegan day.
So then we went to yet another party at which I snacked on fruit, veggies, nuts and grains. I did not succumb to the cheese! Yay! But there were cocktail weenies sitting in a bowl and looking at me. Just before we left, I popped one in my mouth. It was cold so it wasn't worth it. Then later, as I was snacking, I had some cheese.
Yesterday I ate pumpkin oatmeal for breakfast, snacked on raw fruit (which freaked me out because I had to eat so much!) and a lunch of the above described veggie tacos. Dinner was a pb & J sandwich (100% ww bread, all fruit spread without added sugar, and natural peanut butter), then whatever the heck I snacked on: Nut Thins, mustards, pepper jelly, pickle relish, carrot....aw crap- half an ounce of cheese.
So Wednesday was vegan up until about 8:30pm. Not bad. Just not perfect.
I had intended today to be grain-free but I have two more tortillas to use up (I hate wasting). Other than that I'll be grain free and I WILL NOT HAVE CHEESE! I had a pumpkin banana smoothie this morning with peanut milk and chia seeds. So far, I've eaten 3 clementines and 2 pears. It's a half hour until lunch and I am very hungry.
This morning I was trying to track the days so far I've been a vegan or vegetarian. Sunday I had barbequed chicken for breakfast! It wasn't an ease-in day though. I don't remember Monday. I had some cheesecake and there was some parmesan on my sprouted grain pasta. I think Monday was meat-free.
On New year's eve I stayed the night at the home of a couple of friends who were doing the Master Cleanse together. They also happen to be moving so they gladly gave away a ton of the groceries. Score! Part of that was a 6lb bag of carrots, a bell pepper, and half a bag of oranges. We made off with a few packaged food with health claims or sporting the green "All Natural" label (which we know does not make it healthy). Nonetheless, it was nice to go home with some free groceries a few days before the anticipated expenses of organic lemons.
Anyhow, on the morning of January 1st, I had planned to make oatmeal but that was interrupted when the couple suggested having some organic vanilla (sugar filled) yogurt with some Kashi (sugar filled) cereal. Garrison indulged. I had 2 oranges. I was starving not long after so we got some dried mango from the health food store (we were there to pick up Stanley Burroughs' book and some copper supplements).
After we came home, I sauteed some garlic, onions, carrots and green peppers in some coconut oil and doused my veggies with Frank's Red Hot then wrapped up the mixture in a (mostly) whole wheat tortilla. I had 2. Garrison put cheese on his. I refrained so up to this point, I had a vegan day.
So then we went to yet another party at which I snacked on fruit, veggies, nuts and grains. I did not succumb to the cheese! Yay! But there were cocktail weenies sitting in a bowl and looking at me. Just before we left, I popped one in my mouth. It was cold so it wasn't worth it. Then later, as I was snacking, I had some cheese.
Yesterday I ate pumpkin oatmeal for breakfast, snacked on raw fruit (which freaked me out because I had to eat so much!) and a lunch of the above described veggie tacos. Dinner was a pb & J sandwich (100% ww bread, all fruit spread without added sugar, and natural peanut butter), then whatever the heck I snacked on: Nut Thins, mustards, pepper jelly, pickle relish, carrot....aw crap- half an ounce of cheese.
So Wednesday was vegan up until about 8:30pm. Not bad. Just not perfect.
I had intended today to be grain-free but I have two more tortillas to use up (I hate wasting). Other than that I'll be grain free and I WILL NOT HAVE CHEESE! I had a pumpkin banana smoothie this morning with peanut milk and chia seeds. So far, I've eaten 3 clementines and 2 pears. It's a half hour until lunch and I am very hungry.
Monday, December 31, 2012
You do your chores, I'll do mine
Usually my fiance and I do just about everything together; cooking, cleaning, shopping, running errands, laundry, and even a bit of car work (handing him wrenches and paper towels counts, right?). But today is a "you do your chores and I'll do mine" kind of day.
One of the best things I learned from an etiquette column was in response to a woman whose husband refused to write thank-you notes for birthday gifts he recieve. The columnist answered "Whatever happened to 'You do your chores, I'll do mine' ?" Suggesting that this woman should write the guests of the party she threw for her husband, thanking them for attending and also dropping a line in about how much her husband loves the gift. After all, there are different things that men and women are expected to do.
Now don't get me wrong, I consider myself progressive! But after carefully observing and reading about the differences between men and women, it has become clear that there are certain things that women are more inclined to do--like the dishes--that men will most definitely forget. Then there are certain things that would drive a woman nuts if she had to deal with that a man can tackle with a little crumbling and cursing but will feel so amazing after it's over; like fixing the car (which is precisely what Garrison's task is today).
So my plan for today is to write thank-you's for our Christmas presents, clean the apartment and then zone out on some piece of cardio equipment whilst watching a tv movie.
In other news, I tossed my charred toast and didn't feel too sorry about it. And yes. I ate way too much crap at the party anyhow. I've also mapped out my Master Cleanse ease-in. Today my diet shall be "normal" but I'm basically cleaning up the leftover perishables and procuring raw fruits and veggies for the next couple of days. The day before the cleanse, I plan to drink smoothies and juices.
Saturday, I will start the Master Cleanse or "lemonade diet," as some call it. "Diet" is somewhat of a dirty word to me. It makes me think of punishment and a lot of low-calorie, yet highly-processed foods. Diets are meant to help you lose weight but not become healthy. Cleansing is meant to rid your body of toxins and thereby help you become more healthy. Weight loss is an inevitable side bonus since what you consume in the cleanse is limited to your "main course" of a lemon juice, water, maple syrup, cayenne cocktail plus herbal laxative tea, a salt water flush, and all the filtered water you can drink.
I did this cleanse last year in February and blogged about it. I'm interested in seeing the similarities between 2012's and 2013's. I didn't ease-in last time so I hope to see some major differences.
I'm using these two days off to get some cleaning done. I started with the fridge and now it is immaculate! But alas I don't have a picture to share because the camera went with my fiance to document some car work. I will put it up later so stay tuned!
One of the best things I learned from an etiquette column was in response to a woman whose husband refused to write thank-you notes for birthday gifts he recieve. The columnist answered "Whatever happened to 'You do your chores, I'll do mine' ?" Suggesting that this woman should write the guests of the party she threw for her husband, thanking them for attending and also dropping a line in about how much her husband loves the gift. After all, there are different things that men and women are expected to do.
Now don't get me wrong, I consider myself progressive! But after carefully observing and reading about the differences between men and women, it has become clear that there are certain things that women are more inclined to do--like the dishes--that men will most definitely forget. Then there are certain things that would drive a woman nuts if she had to deal with that a man can tackle with a little crumbling and cursing but will feel so amazing after it's over; like fixing the car (which is precisely what Garrison's task is today).
So my plan for today is to write thank-you's for our Christmas presents, clean the apartment and then zone out on some piece of cardio equipment whilst watching a tv movie.
In other news, I tossed my charred toast and didn't feel too sorry about it. And yes. I ate way too much crap at the party anyhow. I've also mapped out my Master Cleanse ease-in. Today my diet shall be "normal" but I'm basically cleaning up the leftover perishables and procuring raw fruits and veggies for the next couple of days. The day before the cleanse, I plan to drink smoothies and juices.
Saturday, I will start the Master Cleanse or "lemonade diet," as some call it. "Diet" is somewhat of a dirty word to me. It makes me think of punishment and a lot of low-calorie, yet highly-processed foods. Diets are meant to help you lose weight but not become healthy. Cleansing is meant to rid your body of toxins and thereby help you become more healthy. Weight loss is an inevitable side bonus since what you consume in the cleanse is limited to your "main course" of a lemon juice, water, maple syrup, cayenne cocktail plus herbal laxative tea, a salt water flush, and all the filtered water you can drink.
I did this cleanse last year in February and blogged about it. I'm interested in seeing the similarities between 2012's and 2013's. I didn't ease-in last time so I hope to see some major differences.
I'm using these two days off to get some cleaning done. I started with the fridge and now it is immaculate! But alas I don't have a picture to share because the camera went with my fiance to document some car work. I will put it up later so stay tuned!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Away from my kitchen!
For Christmas, my fiance's family decided that we needed to be ripped away from the comforts of our kitchen for an entire seven days filled with outdoor winter activities and tons of processed food. Also, that my desire to eat whole foods needed to be mocked.
Wow, that sounded a little harsh didn't it?
Okay, I'll admit not all the food we ate was processed since a lot of it was from classy restaurants. I wasn't mocked either. It was merely suggested by the future Physician's Assistant that antioxidants could help undo the damage caused by the free radicals released by the heat treated vegetable oil that inevitably makes its way into foods we eat. And I did my fair share of dishing it out when I suggested my future father in law could attribute his hair loss to the rapeseed oil in his beloved Skippy peanut butter.
So let me try again.
In your own kitchen, you very much have control over the methods in which your food is prepared. In someone else's kitchen, even if you're given a touch of free reign, not so much. In your own town you also know the right place to shop in order to find the foods you prefer to eat. I've never appreciated Wegmans more! Absence makes the heart grow fonder, they say.
But I have returned home to my lovely canisters filled with brown stuff and my cute little Frenchy in which I meticulously brew delicious coffee meant for the sophisticated addict's taste buds.
I won't rehash every detail of my trip but I will tell you I'm excited for my extreme recovery after the period of moderate indulgence.
My man's youngest brother bought two bagels from the grocery store the other night and after two days of them sitting in a paper bag and a 3.5 hour car trip, he decided he didn't want them. "I'm wasteful," he said. I appreciated his honesty. I, however, am not wasteful. Alas. I don't eat white bagels. Or at least I declare I don't until I accidentally do.
It just so happens that I'm attending a party this afternoon so I thought I'd put these bad boys to good use. I cut through their stale crusts and made small bruschetta toast size pieces. I figured they would be tasty to the average palette if I tossed them with herbs and oil and toasted them. So I did like I did when I make bruschetta. Well not quite. I usually brush on dried herbs, fresh garlic and olive oil. But this dish is for a party, not for me.
So I dumped on about 2/3 cup of canola oil (because it needs to be removed from my cabinet but I HATE wasting things I mistakenly spent money on) over the slices and added a spice blend I never use.
is what came out of the oven after 8 minutes. No, those darker ones are not a pumpernickel variety. Now I'm going to see about salvaging the ones which were not burnt and supplementing my dish with something else.Oh! I almost forgot to mention that these are intended to be topped with a hot pepper jelly whose first ingredient is sugar. Gotta get rid of it somehow, right?
I've yet to work out all the details of my recovery but I know at least it will involve an all-organic, vegan ease-in to the Master Cleanse and a similar ease out with some (hopefully) permanent changes.Wish me luck!
Wow, that sounded a little harsh didn't it?
Okay, I'll admit not all the food we ate was processed since a lot of it was from classy restaurants. I wasn't mocked either. It was merely suggested by the future Physician's Assistant that antioxidants could help undo the damage caused by the free radicals released by the heat treated vegetable oil that inevitably makes its way into foods we eat. And I did my fair share of dishing it out when I suggested my future father in law could attribute his hair loss to the rapeseed oil in his beloved Skippy peanut butter.
So let me try again.
In your own kitchen, you very much have control over the methods in which your food is prepared. In someone else's kitchen, even if you're given a touch of free reign, not so much. In your own town you also know the right place to shop in order to find the foods you prefer to eat. I've never appreciated Wegmans more! Absence makes the heart grow fonder, they say.
But I have returned home to my lovely canisters filled with brown stuff and my cute little Frenchy in which I meticulously brew delicious coffee meant for the sophisticated addict's taste buds.
 |
| This is what wooden spoons look like when they haven't been used for a week. WHO KNEW!?!?!? |
I won't rehash every detail of my trip but I will tell you I'm excited for my extreme recovery after the period of moderate indulgence.
My man's youngest brother bought two bagels from the grocery store the other night and after two days of them sitting in a paper bag and a 3.5 hour car trip, he decided he didn't want them. "I'm wasteful," he said. I appreciated his honesty. I, however, am not wasteful. Alas. I don't eat white bagels. Or at least I declare I don't until I accidentally do.
It just so happens that I'm attending a party this afternoon so I thought I'd put these bad boys to good use. I cut through their stale crusts and made small bruschetta toast size pieces. I figured they would be tasty to the average palette if I tossed them with herbs and oil and toasted them. So I did like I did when I make bruschetta. Well not quite. I usually brush on dried herbs, fresh garlic and olive oil. But this dish is for a party, not for me.
So I dumped on about 2/3 cup of canola oil (because it needs to be removed from my cabinet but I HATE wasting things I mistakenly spent money on) over the slices and added a spice blend I never use.
Maybe I'm recalling incorrectly. I thought when I did the brushed-on olive oil method that I left my toasts in a 450 degree oven for a good 10-15 minutes. Well since these slices were, like, totally soaked in canola oil...
THIS
is what came out of the oven after 8 minutes. No, those darker ones are not a pumpernickel variety. Now I'm going to see about salvaging the ones which were not burnt and supplementing my dish with something else.Oh! I almost forgot to mention that these are intended to be topped with a hot pepper jelly whose first ingredient is sugar. Gotta get rid of it somehow, right?
I've yet to work out all the details of my recovery but I know at least it will involve an all-organic, vegan ease-in to the Master Cleanse and a similar ease out with some (hopefully) permanent changes.Wish me luck!
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Pumpkin
I was given a gift. A very large gift. A large round, orange gift that probably weighed a good 12lbs or more.
Finally! I get to accomplish my goal of making a pumpkin pie! Like... you know, from a real pumpkin instead of a can!
Ok, so it's not a "pie pumpkin" as they say...the smaller round looking ones are better for pie because of the fibers or something. Pshaw. A pumpkin is pumpkin to me. If Cinderella's fairy Godmother can turn it into a carriage, I'll turn it into a pie.
So also bought myself a new camera and took some pics of said pumpkin. I don't have my card with me so I'll upload pics later. I didn't as many progress pics but I'm working on the whole food-tography thing.
Anyhow here are the steps I used to process my pumpkin.
1) Sharpen knife for a few minutes.
2) Have your fiancee slice the damn thing into 12ths.
3) Scoop out the stringy things and the seeds and set in a bowl. An ice cream scoop worked very well for this.
4) Arrange the sections of pumpkin on a baking tray and roast in a 300F oven for one to one and a half hours.
5) While that's roasting, add water to your seed and string bowl play in the slime, pulling the seeds (which should float) away from the strings (which kind of sink).
6) Pour the strings and water into a pan on the stove and bring to a boil. Reduce and simmer for 45 minutes. Strain and reserve your PUMPKIN BROTH!!!
7) The pumpkin meat slices in the oven should be tender. Some of mine had pools of what looked like water on the surface. So I dragged my finger through it and took a taste. It wasn't water, it was oil! And it was sweet! I picked up the slice and there was all this gorgeous oil resting at the bottom of my baking sheet! What I didn't lick up stayed in the pan.
8) After the pumpkin slices cool, get the ice cream scoop back out and scoop the cooked meat into a food processor or blender. Wear earplugs.
9) Puree until smooth.
Our pumpkin yielded about 21 cups, including the raw meat. We were definitely cycling the oven for a few hours with slices, one tray at a time. This is very much a weekend project.
I also tossed the seeds with the oil plus salt and pepper and toasted them. I ended up having to add olive oil but still I thought it was pretty friggin cool that I could the pumpkin's own oil to cook its seeds!
Now I get to cook with all my puree! So far I've made pumpkin pie oatmeal and a pumpkin smoothie. More on those with a later post!
Finally! I get to accomplish my goal of making a pumpkin pie! Like... you know, from a real pumpkin instead of a can!
Ok, so it's not a "pie pumpkin" as they say...the smaller round looking ones are better for pie because of the fibers or something. Pshaw. A pumpkin is pumpkin to me. If Cinderella's fairy Godmother can turn it into a carriage, I'll turn it into a pie.
So also bought myself a new camera and took some pics of said pumpkin. I don't have my card with me so I'll upload pics later. I didn't as many progress pics but I'm working on the whole food-tography thing.
Anyhow here are the steps I used to process my pumpkin.
1) Sharpen knife for a few minutes.
2) Have your fiancee slice the damn thing into 12ths.
3) Scoop out the stringy things and the seeds and set in a bowl. An ice cream scoop worked very well for this.
4) Arrange the sections of pumpkin on a baking tray and roast in a 300F oven for one to one and a half hours.
5) While that's roasting, add water to your seed and string bowl play in the slime, pulling the seeds (which should float) away from the strings (which kind of sink).
6) Pour the strings and water into a pan on the stove and bring to a boil. Reduce and simmer for 45 minutes. Strain and reserve your PUMPKIN BROTH!!!
7) The pumpkin meat slices in the oven should be tender. Some of mine had pools of what looked like water on the surface. So I dragged my finger through it and took a taste. It wasn't water, it was oil! And it was sweet! I picked up the slice and there was all this gorgeous oil resting at the bottom of my baking sheet! What I didn't lick up stayed in the pan.
8) After the pumpkin slices cool, get the ice cream scoop back out and scoop the cooked meat into a food processor or blender. Wear earplugs.
9) Puree until smooth.
Our pumpkin yielded about 21 cups, including the raw meat. We were definitely cycling the oven for a few hours with slices, one tray at a time. This is very much a weekend project.
I also tossed the seeds with the oil plus salt and pepper and toasted them. I ended up having to add olive oil but still I thought it was pretty friggin cool that I could the pumpkin's own oil to cook its seeds!
Now I get to cook with all my puree! So far I've made pumpkin pie oatmeal and a pumpkin smoothie. More on those with a later post!
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Sugar
I accepted a challenge to go 3 days out of a week without consuming any form of sugar except for fruit. I was successful for ONE WHOLE DAY! I had intended to do 3 consecutive days but by day 2...well, I folded.
I realized that I probably haven't gone too many days in my life without some form of added sugar (including, honey, maple, etc). Even in the days of yore when I was eating as healthy as I knew how to, I was still consuming tons of sugar-in my daily "healthy" Slim Fast shake and in my daily yogurt and granola parfait. Plus I was eating Peter Pan peanut butter by the pound and had a pb&j sandwich (not the kind I make now) pretty much daily.
So even at my skinniest, I've been a sugar-monger.
My wonderful Fiancee reminded me this morning of a memory I shared with him while ago. Back in 6th grade, I used to make a box mix of brownies every Friday night for my school lunches the following week. I'd package one for each day, set one aside for my mom who was teaching piano in the front room and then the rest would come to the family room at the back of the house where I'd gobble them up while watching teenybopper sitcoms. By the time I was done, my dad would come back from work. I may have saved one or 2 for him as well. Because you know...the consuming carbs in front of the tv was a habit I picked up from him after all!
Why he decided to bring this up over a steaming hot bowl of steel cut oats seasoned with nutmeg, cocoa powder, raisins and peanut butter baffles me. And made me sad. Why did my parents allow me to do this? Sure I was thin but I was eleven and a dancer!
Friday nights when I was in 7th and 8th grade were my choreography nights. I'd brew up a huge pitcher of orange tea into which I'd dump like a cup of sugar and dance until I was too tired or making too much noise for my parents to sleep.
My sophomore year of high school, after dance team practice I'd come home and help myself to a plate or two of cookies from the freezer left over from my mom's piano recital. Ah yes this was accompanied by a diet pop (I grew up in Ohio, ok). This is when it really started to catch up with me. By then end of my sophomore year, I was not skinny anymore!
Not to get all boo-hooey over my adolescence but I recall thinking that I was fat when I was 10. I looked at a 5th grade class photo when I was in high school and I said to my mom "I was so skinny! I thought I was fat!" Truth is I told myself I was fat because that was the negative self-talk I heard from my own dear mommy. I was always told I'm more like my mom and my brother was more like my dad. I do look a lot like my mom. I'm good with kids and a natural teacher.
But I love adventure! I like doing things outdoors- not all the time but occasionally. I love cooking, baking, and trying new things! I used to rip snails out of their shells and give their wriggling bodies to my grandpa to use as fishing bait. I enjoy (to some degree) helping Garrison work on the cars. I love raunchy humor and thought provoking theatre.
I'm really not exactly like my mom. I don't have to be! If/when I have children of my own, they don't have to be like me either but I HOPE HOPE HOPE I don't pass my bad habits down to them. I want to raise them to eat healthy and make good choices. Sure they might not follow everything I teach but I just want to know that if they turn out to be 25 and struggling with weight or body image that they can't turn around and point their finger at their mother.
I realized that I probably haven't gone too many days in my life without some form of added sugar (including, honey, maple, etc). Even in the days of yore when I was eating as healthy as I knew how to, I was still consuming tons of sugar-in my daily "healthy" Slim Fast shake and in my daily yogurt and granola parfait. Plus I was eating Peter Pan peanut butter by the pound and had a pb&j sandwich (not the kind I make now) pretty much daily.
So even at my skinniest, I've been a sugar-monger.
My wonderful Fiancee reminded me this morning of a memory I shared with him while ago. Back in 6th grade, I used to make a box mix of brownies every Friday night for my school lunches the following week. I'd package one for each day, set one aside for my mom who was teaching piano in the front room and then the rest would come to the family room at the back of the house where I'd gobble them up while watching teenybopper sitcoms. By the time I was done, my dad would come back from work. I may have saved one or 2 for him as well. Because you know...the consuming carbs in front of the tv was a habit I picked up from him after all!
Why he decided to bring this up over a steaming hot bowl of steel cut oats seasoned with nutmeg, cocoa powder, raisins and peanut butter baffles me. And made me sad. Why did my parents allow me to do this? Sure I was thin but I was eleven and a dancer!
Friday nights when I was in 7th and 8th grade were my choreography nights. I'd brew up a huge pitcher of orange tea into which I'd dump like a cup of sugar and dance until I was too tired or making too much noise for my parents to sleep.
My sophomore year of high school, after dance team practice I'd come home and help myself to a plate or two of cookies from the freezer left over from my mom's piano recital. Ah yes this was accompanied by a diet pop (I grew up in Ohio, ok). This is when it really started to catch up with me. By then end of my sophomore year, I was not skinny anymore!
Not to get all boo-hooey over my adolescence but I recall thinking that I was fat when I was 10. I looked at a 5th grade class photo when I was in high school and I said to my mom "I was so skinny! I thought I was fat!" Truth is I told myself I was fat because that was the negative self-talk I heard from my own dear mommy. I was always told I'm more like my mom and my brother was more like my dad. I do look a lot like my mom. I'm good with kids and a natural teacher.
But I love adventure! I like doing things outdoors- not all the time but occasionally. I love cooking, baking, and trying new things! I used to rip snails out of their shells and give their wriggling bodies to my grandpa to use as fishing bait. I enjoy (to some degree) helping Garrison work on the cars. I love raunchy humor and thought provoking theatre.
I'm really not exactly like my mom. I don't have to be! If/when I have children of my own, they don't have to be like me either but I HOPE HOPE HOPE I don't pass my bad habits down to them. I want to raise them to eat healthy and make good choices. Sure they might not follow everything I teach but I just want to know that if they turn out to be 25 and struggling with weight or body image that they can't turn around and point their finger at their mother.
Monday, November 12, 2012
For health or vanity?
I took a journey through Facebook last week and browsed a bunch of photos of me from my freshman year of college. Doing so made me feel terrible. How dare I torture myself so?
From my senior year of high school through my first summer after college, I lost 20-some pounds. I wanted to be thin because I thought a skinny figure was the missing piece of my success as a triple threat. In high school, I worked SO HARD to get the role I wanted. I made it my only ambition. I figured that since I was doing everything in my power to achieve my goals, I better lose some weight since I probably just don't have the right look.So I completely gave up all sweets and fried foods and had a Slim Fast shake for breakfast every day. I also exercised 5 days out of the week; Pilates, running, and light weights.
I got to college and kept up the habits whilst improving them some. I was still probably getting sugar and other processed ingredients but I was eating as healthy as I could to the best of my ability. I was also walking everywhere--on campus and off and never took the elevator to my 4th floor classes or my 4th floor dorm room.
I was looking HOT. But I started to take in my surroundings...people indulging in high fat or sugar foods....people taking the elevator or driving places...or not even bothering to get the Rec center for a regular workout. Yet these were theatre colleagues of mine who had no trouble landing a leading role in a play or musical. Or someone who was just a little chunky seemed well-liked by people anyway. This confused me.
I changed my habits in order to change the shape of my body in order to be a successful actress and be liked. When I look back on these days I have mixed feelings. I was thin but I certainly wasn't healthy- mentally or physically-- and I was looking for validation in all the wrong ways.
Right now on my diet of mostly organic whole foods, I haven't been sick in 9 months. I'd say with the exception of my occasional sugar or highly processed food binges (a different issue to address some other time), I'm pretty healthy! Well then why the obsession? I'm not thin.
When I was thin I had the vanity but not the healthy. Now I'd say I mostly have the health but not the vanity.
Forgive the lack of clever writing. I guess I've been mulling over this idea. I did not get what I wanted from being thin and engaging in behaviors that I thought were healthy. Since I know that such validation isn't available, even if I wanted, then why all the headache?
Plus I couldn't possibly duplicate the habits I had in college. I didn't drink alcohol at that time. I'll be damned if I'm going to deny myself wine and beer! The only dessert I ever ate was an espresso fudge brownie every other week from the campus Starbucks and now STARBUCKS DOESN'T EVEN HAVE THEM ANYMORE!! Everywhere I go is too far to walk, there aren't 4 flights of stairs at my leisure and DAMN IT, I go into work 8am Monday through Friday. There's no such thing as a 9am workout before my 11am class.
Sorry for the pity party...this weight loss thing is just too hard.
From my senior year of high school through my first summer after college, I lost 20-some pounds. I wanted to be thin because I thought a skinny figure was the missing piece of my success as a triple threat. In high school, I worked SO HARD to get the role I wanted. I made it my only ambition. I figured that since I was doing everything in my power to achieve my goals, I better lose some weight since I probably just don't have the right look.So I completely gave up all sweets and fried foods and had a Slim Fast shake for breakfast every day. I also exercised 5 days out of the week; Pilates, running, and light weights.
I got to college and kept up the habits whilst improving them some. I was still probably getting sugar and other processed ingredients but I was eating as healthy as I could to the best of my ability. I was also walking everywhere--on campus and off and never took the elevator to my 4th floor classes or my 4th floor dorm room.
I was looking HOT. But I started to take in my surroundings...people indulging in high fat or sugar foods....people taking the elevator or driving places...or not even bothering to get the Rec center for a regular workout. Yet these were theatre colleagues of mine who had no trouble landing a leading role in a play or musical. Or someone who was just a little chunky seemed well-liked by people anyway. This confused me.
I changed my habits in order to change the shape of my body in order to be a successful actress and be liked. When I look back on these days I have mixed feelings. I was thin but I certainly wasn't healthy- mentally or physically-- and I was looking for validation in all the wrong ways.
Right now on my diet of mostly organic whole foods, I haven't been sick in 9 months. I'd say with the exception of my occasional sugar or highly processed food binges (a different issue to address some other time), I'm pretty healthy! Well then why the obsession? I'm not thin.
When I was thin I had the vanity but not the healthy. Now I'd say I mostly have the health but not the vanity.
Forgive the lack of clever writing. I guess I've been mulling over this idea. I did not get what I wanted from being thin and engaging in behaviors that I thought were healthy. Since I know that such validation isn't available, even if I wanted, then why all the headache?
Plus I couldn't possibly duplicate the habits I had in college. I didn't drink alcohol at that time. I'll be damned if I'm going to deny myself wine and beer! The only dessert I ever ate was an espresso fudge brownie every other week from the campus Starbucks and now STARBUCKS DOESN'T EVEN HAVE THEM ANYMORE!! Everywhere I go is too far to walk, there aren't 4 flights of stairs at my leisure and DAMN IT, I go into work 8am Monday through Friday. There's no such thing as a 9am workout before my 11am class.
Sorry for the pity party...this weight loss thing is just too hard.
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