I accepted a challenge to go 3 days out of a week without consuming any form of sugar except for fruit. I was successful for ONE WHOLE DAY! I had intended to do 3 consecutive days but by day 2...well, I folded.
I realized that I probably haven't gone too many days in my life without some form of added sugar (including, honey, maple, etc). Even in the days of yore when I was eating as healthy as I knew how to, I was still consuming tons of sugar-in my daily "healthy" Slim Fast shake and in my daily yogurt and granola parfait. Plus I was eating Peter Pan peanut butter by the pound and had a pb&j sandwich (not the kind I make now) pretty much daily.
So even at my skinniest, I've been a sugar-monger.
My wonderful Fiancee reminded me this morning of a memory I shared with him while ago. Back in 6th grade, I used to make a box mix of brownies every Friday night for my school lunches the following week. I'd package one for each day, set one aside for my mom who was teaching piano in the front room and then the rest would come to the family room at the back of the house where I'd gobble them up while watching teenybopper sitcoms. By the time I was done, my dad would come back from work. I may have saved one or 2 for him as well. Because you know...the consuming carbs in front of the tv was a habit I picked up from him after all!
Why he decided to bring this up over a steaming hot bowl of steel cut oats seasoned with nutmeg, cocoa powder, raisins and peanut butter baffles me. And made me sad. Why did my parents allow me to do this? Sure I was thin but I was eleven and a dancer!
Friday nights when I was in 7th and 8th grade were my choreography nights. I'd brew up a huge pitcher of orange tea into which I'd dump like a cup of sugar and dance until I was too tired or making too much noise for my parents to sleep.
My sophomore year of high school, after dance team practice I'd come home and help myself to a plate or two of cookies from the freezer left over from my mom's piano recital. Ah yes this was accompanied by a diet pop (I grew up in Ohio, ok). This is when it really started to catch up with me. By then end of my sophomore year, I was not skinny anymore!
Not to get all boo-hooey over my adolescence but I recall thinking that I was fat when I was 10. I looked at a 5th grade class photo when I was in high school and I said to my mom "I was so skinny! I thought I was fat!" Truth is I told myself I was fat because that was the negative self-talk I heard from my own dear mommy. I was always told I'm more like my mom and my brother was more like my dad. I do look a lot like my mom. I'm good with kids and a natural teacher.
But I love adventure! I like doing things outdoors- not all the time but occasionally. I love cooking, baking, and trying new things! I used to rip snails out of their shells and give their wriggling bodies to my grandpa to use as fishing bait. I enjoy (to some degree) helping Garrison work on the cars. I love raunchy humor and thought provoking theatre.
I'm really not exactly like my mom. I don't have to be! If/when I have children of my own, they don't have to be like me either but I HOPE HOPE HOPE I don't pass my bad habits down to them. I want to raise them to eat healthy and make good choices. Sure they might not follow everything I teach but I just want to know that if they turn out to be 25 and struggling with weight or body image that they can't turn around and point their finger at their mother.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Monday, November 12, 2012
For health or vanity?
I took a journey through Facebook last week and browsed a bunch of photos of me from my freshman year of college. Doing so made me feel terrible. How dare I torture myself so?
From my senior year of high school through my first summer after college, I lost 20-some pounds. I wanted to be thin because I thought a skinny figure was the missing piece of my success as a triple threat. In high school, I worked SO HARD to get the role I wanted. I made it my only ambition. I figured that since I was doing everything in my power to achieve my goals, I better lose some weight since I probably just don't have the right look.So I completely gave up all sweets and fried foods and had a Slim Fast shake for breakfast every day. I also exercised 5 days out of the week; Pilates, running, and light weights.
I got to college and kept up the habits whilst improving them some. I was still probably getting sugar and other processed ingredients but I was eating as healthy as I could to the best of my ability. I was also walking everywhere--on campus and off and never took the elevator to my 4th floor classes or my 4th floor dorm room.
I was looking HOT. But I started to take in my surroundings...people indulging in high fat or sugar foods....people taking the elevator or driving places...or not even bothering to get the Rec center for a regular workout. Yet these were theatre colleagues of mine who had no trouble landing a leading role in a play or musical. Or someone who was just a little chunky seemed well-liked by people anyway. This confused me.
I changed my habits in order to change the shape of my body in order to be a successful actress and be liked. When I look back on these days I have mixed feelings. I was thin but I certainly wasn't healthy- mentally or physically-- and I was looking for validation in all the wrong ways.
Right now on my diet of mostly organic whole foods, I haven't been sick in 9 months. I'd say with the exception of my occasional sugar or highly processed food binges (a different issue to address some other time), I'm pretty healthy! Well then why the obsession? I'm not thin.
When I was thin I had the vanity but not the healthy. Now I'd say I mostly have the health but not the vanity.
Forgive the lack of clever writing. I guess I've been mulling over this idea. I did not get what I wanted from being thin and engaging in behaviors that I thought were healthy. Since I know that such validation isn't available, even if I wanted, then why all the headache?
Plus I couldn't possibly duplicate the habits I had in college. I didn't drink alcohol at that time. I'll be damned if I'm going to deny myself wine and beer! The only dessert I ever ate was an espresso fudge brownie every other week from the campus Starbucks and now STARBUCKS DOESN'T EVEN HAVE THEM ANYMORE!! Everywhere I go is too far to walk, there aren't 4 flights of stairs at my leisure and DAMN IT, I go into work 8am Monday through Friday. There's no such thing as a 9am workout before my 11am class.
Sorry for the pity party...this weight loss thing is just too hard.
From my senior year of high school through my first summer after college, I lost 20-some pounds. I wanted to be thin because I thought a skinny figure was the missing piece of my success as a triple threat. In high school, I worked SO HARD to get the role I wanted. I made it my only ambition. I figured that since I was doing everything in my power to achieve my goals, I better lose some weight since I probably just don't have the right look.So I completely gave up all sweets and fried foods and had a Slim Fast shake for breakfast every day. I also exercised 5 days out of the week; Pilates, running, and light weights.
I got to college and kept up the habits whilst improving them some. I was still probably getting sugar and other processed ingredients but I was eating as healthy as I could to the best of my ability. I was also walking everywhere--on campus and off and never took the elevator to my 4th floor classes or my 4th floor dorm room.
I was looking HOT. But I started to take in my surroundings...people indulging in high fat or sugar foods....people taking the elevator or driving places...or not even bothering to get the Rec center for a regular workout. Yet these were theatre colleagues of mine who had no trouble landing a leading role in a play or musical. Or someone who was just a little chunky seemed well-liked by people anyway. This confused me.
I changed my habits in order to change the shape of my body in order to be a successful actress and be liked. When I look back on these days I have mixed feelings. I was thin but I certainly wasn't healthy- mentally or physically-- and I was looking for validation in all the wrong ways.
Right now on my diet of mostly organic whole foods, I haven't been sick in 9 months. I'd say with the exception of my occasional sugar or highly processed food binges (a different issue to address some other time), I'm pretty healthy! Well then why the obsession? I'm not thin.
When I was thin I had the vanity but not the healthy. Now I'd say I mostly have the health but not the vanity.
Forgive the lack of clever writing. I guess I've been mulling over this idea. I did not get what I wanted from being thin and engaging in behaviors that I thought were healthy. Since I know that such validation isn't available, even if I wanted, then why all the headache?
Plus I couldn't possibly duplicate the habits I had in college. I didn't drink alcohol at that time. I'll be damned if I'm going to deny myself wine and beer! The only dessert I ever ate was an espresso fudge brownie every other week from the campus Starbucks and now STARBUCKS DOESN'T EVEN HAVE THEM ANYMORE!! Everywhere I go is too far to walk, there aren't 4 flights of stairs at my leisure and DAMN IT, I go into work 8am Monday through Friday. There's no such thing as a 9am workout before my 11am class.
Sorry for the pity party...this weight loss thing is just too hard.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Monday, November 5, 2012
Package, restaurant, the ground
I visited my future in laws this weekend. They were powering their house on a generator and the internet was down until about 5pm on Saturday so I couldn't update as much. Here's my food Friday through Sunday as I can best recall:
Friday:
Breakfast: Oatmeal as usual.
Lunch: I had a turkey and black bean chilli for lunch with a few organic blue corn tortilla chips and hummus.
Afternoon: I DID NOT HAVE ANY CANDY!!! I’m so proud of myself. Except something very strange happened– I was very emotional/ angry. I started to think maybe the sugar has been like a drug for me and I was experiencing withdrawal symptoms. I believe I had a Larabar some time in the afternoon which is still a sugar because there's fruit in it but the nuts should slow down the absorption...so they say.
Dinner: A natural pb and organic fruit spread (no sugar added) sandwich on 100% whole wheat Wegmans bread (which has a pretty lengthy ingredient list). On the car ride down to the in laws I caved and had a handful of trail mix my fiancee made with nuts and candy.
Saturday:
Breakfast at 10am: Organic 100% whole wheat waffles ( my wonderful man did not add any sugar to batter) with real maple syrup and a slice of bacon and about 2oz of strawberry apple juice. I usually only eat 3 of my waffle squares but they were so light and fluffy this time and I ate all four. I was more than full.
"Lunch" at 3pm: A slice of cheese pizza we grabbed after buying a new car for me! I was starved! Oh and before we left the dealership, our sales guy Pete gave me one of those Quaker chocolate chip “granola” bars.
Dinner at 7 or so: We went to a fantastic restaurant called Settler's Inn for my FMIL's birthday. It's a bit of a drive (relatively) from their house but well worth it for the amazing food. I had 6 pot stickers over Asian slaw as an appetizer. My meal was braised lamb shank over potatoes with some pepper strips and covered with some sort of reduction. I had one glass of pinot grigio and 2 glasses of zin. I did not order dessert but everyone gave me a sample of theirs: bites of flourless chocolate cake, toffee pudding, some caramel covered grain (I forget what it was called) and a homemade chocolate ice cream.
Sunday:
Breakfast around 10am: Two white tortillas filled with scrambled cage-free eggs, sausage, black beans, peppers, onions, and garlic topped with salsa and tobasco sauce.
Snack around 1pm: A salted caramel hot chocolate from Dunkin Donuts. Again I employed the tactic of not ordering any sort of sweet so I got to mooch off my fiancee’s pumpkin muffin and my FFIL’s coffee cake muffin.The 2 Labradors had a couple of munchkins. I had never seen dogs eat donuts before!!
Dinner 5pm: I got to make a meal I would usually make during the week but to my FMIL, it was something special- chicken curry over brown rice. I don’t think the chicken was organic. The sauce was coconut milk and tomato paste that I seasoned with garlic, onions, salt, pepper, curry powder, cumin, cinnamon, and ginger. We also had a salad of organically grown farm fresh lettuce and spinach that we plucked from the earth THAT DAY (can we say yum?) topped with carrots also from the garden and store bought peppers, avocado, and a balsamic vinaigrette made with olive oil.
If no drinks are noted, you may safely assume I drank water or black coffee.
We were also sent home with a pretty big zucchini and a GINOURMOUS pumpkin that I get to do great things with. Also, my FMIL doesn’t like quinoa (I have no idea why) so we also came home with a 3lb bag! Score!!
Friday:
Breakfast: Oatmeal as usual.
Lunch: I had a turkey and black bean chilli for lunch with a few organic blue corn tortilla chips and hummus.
Afternoon: I DID NOT HAVE ANY CANDY!!! I’m so proud of myself. Except something very strange happened– I was very emotional/ angry. I started to think maybe the sugar has been like a drug for me and I was experiencing withdrawal symptoms. I believe I had a Larabar some time in the afternoon which is still a sugar because there's fruit in it but the nuts should slow down the absorption...so they say.
Dinner: A natural pb and organic fruit spread (no sugar added) sandwich on 100% whole wheat Wegmans bread (which has a pretty lengthy ingredient list). On the car ride down to the in laws I caved and had a handful of trail mix my fiancee made with nuts and candy.
Saturday:
Breakfast at 10am: Organic 100% whole wheat waffles ( my wonderful man did not add any sugar to batter) with real maple syrup and a slice of bacon and about 2oz of strawberry apple juice. I usually only eat 3 of my waffle squares but they were so light and fluffy this time and I ate all four. I was more than full.
"Lunch" at 3pm: A slice of cheese pizza we grabbed after buying a new car for me! I was starved! Oh and before we left the dealership, our sales guy Pete gave me one of those Quaker chocolate chip “granola” bars.
Dinner at 7 or so: We went to a fantastic restaurant called Settler's Inn for my FMIL's birthday. It's a bit of a drive (relatively) from their house but well worth it for the amazing food. I had 6 pot stickers over Asian slaw as an appetizer. My meal was braised lamb shank over potatoes with some pepper strips and covered with some sort of reduction. I had one glass of pinot grigio and 2 glasses of zin. I did not order dessert but everyone gave me a sample of theirs: bites of flourless chocolate cake, toffee pudding, some caramel covered grain (I forget what it was called) and a homemade chocolate ice cream.
Sunday:
Breakfast around 10am: Two white tortillas filled with scrambled cage-free eggs, sausage, black beans, peppers, onions, and garlic topped with salsa and tobasco sauce.
Snack around 1pm: A salted caramel hot chocolate from Dunkin Donuts. Again I employed the tactic of not ordering any sort of sweet so I got to mooch off my fiancee’s pumpkin muffin and my FFIL’s coffee cake muffin.The 2 Labradors had a couple of munchkins. I had never seen dogs eat donuts before!!
Dinner 5pm: I got to make a meal I would usually make during the week but to my FMIL, it was something special- chicken curry over brown rice. I don’t think the chicken was organic. The sauce was coconut milk and tomato paste that I seasoned with garlic, onions, salt, pepper, curry powder, cumin, cinnamon, and ginger. We also had a salad of organically grown farm fresh lettuce and spinach that we plucked from the earth THAT DAY (can we say yum?) topped with carrots also from the garden and store bought peppers, avocado, and a balsamic vinaigrette made with olive oil.
If no drinks are noted, you may safely assume I drank water or black coffee.
We were also sent home with a pretty big zucchini and a GINOURMOUS pumpkin that I get to do great things with. Also, my FMIL doesn’t like quinoa (I have no idea why) so we also came home with a 3lb bag! Score!!
Friday, November 2, 2012
I noticed something...
I stopped blogging around the time I began counseling and also not long after my asthma flared up. Not sure if one or the other was the stronger influence. I wish I could draw some conclusions about what and why caused the lack of food tracking but since I have no record of my thoughts...I can't.
Anyhow. What I ate yesterday:
Breakfast: A half a cup of steel cut oats cooked with a sprinkle of chia seeds, raisins, natural pb, and a banana.
Lunch: Steak chilli, carrots and hummus.
Snack attack disaster: uncounted candy. There's two huge bowls sitting on the counter in the breakroom. I helped myself a good many times, almost brainlessly.
Dinner: Organic chicken fajitas on a highly processed tortilla that has some whole wheat flour in it. Odd that I mentioned my asthma flare up from June in this post...I made the same mistake I did the day before my attack; throwing diced raw pepper in a hot cast iron skillet. It makes a pepper vapor fill your entire kitchen. Then you inhale it into your lungs and proceed to cough and cry for 6 hours. This time it wasn't habanero, it was jalapeno so I thought it would be okay. Wrong. Well anyhow, we endured the pain so we could finish making our dinner, adding some veggie broth, garlic, onions and organic bell pepper and honey to the skillet. The result was delicious with just enough heat, a surprisingly endurable amount of spice.
I went to the OA meeting yesterday. Even though I was nervous again, I had a very good experience and I think I'm going to continue to attend. I don't know how much I'm allowed to talk about it publicly since I need to honor the "Anonymous" part of what I agree to by attending meetings.
Non-Food Thought of the Day: Lately, the sound of paper rubbing against paper or highlighter on paper has been giving me a weird headache. This is not helpful when I work in an office. Do you have any strange annoyances?
Anyhow. What I ate yesterday:
Breakfast: A half a cup of steel cut oats cooked with a sprinkle of chia seeds, raisins, natural pb, and a banana.
Lunch: Steak chilli, carrots and hummus.
Snack attack disaster: uncounted candy. There's two huge bowls sitting on the counter in the breakroom. I helped myself a good many times, almost brainlessly.
Dinner: Organic chicken fajitas on a highly processed tortilla that has some whole wheat flour in it. Odd that I mentioned my asthma flare up from June in this post...I made the same mistake I did the day before my attack; throwing diced raw pepper in a hot cast iron skillet. It makes a pepper vapor fill your entire kitchen. Then you inhale it into your lungs and proceed to cough and cry for 6 hours. This time it wasn't habanero, it was jalapeno so I thought it would be okay. Wrong. Well anyhow, we endured the pain so we could finish making our dinner, adding some veggie broth, garlic, onions and organic bell pepper and honey to the skillet. The result was delicious with just enough heat, a surprisingly endurable amount of spice.
I went to the OA meeting yesterday. Even though I was nervous again, I had a very good experience and I think I'm going to continue to attend. I don't know how much I'm allowed to talk about it publicly since I need to honor the "Anonymous" part of what I agree to by attending meetings.
Non-Food Thought of the Day: Lately, the sound of paper rubbing against paper or highlighter on paper has been giving me a weird headache. This is not helpful when I work in an office. Do you have any strange annoyances?
Thursday, November 1, 2012
The Plan
I am participating in The Healthy Apron's Fall Weight Loss Plan.
There, I'm sharing my food and exercise but I figured I can be a little redundant and add my commentary on my actual blog.
Yesterday I ate:
Breakfast: 1/2 cup of steel cut oats with cinnamon, raisins and natural peanut butter.
I eliminated almonds from my diet for a couple weeks to figure out if I had an allergy that was causing my asthma issues. Eliminating almonds meant switching from smoothies to oats. Well I'm not allergic to almonds but I've been enjoying my oatmeal in the morning. Very yummy and warm for Fall and as a bonus, it keeps me from reaching for the snacks until about 11:30am.
Lunch: Maybe 6 oz of a steak chilli with about 6 carrot sticks dipped in homemade hummus, and a clementine. A half hour after lunch I had a Larabar.
I didn't really need the Larabar. I just wanted something sweet. I always have sweet cravings after lunch and I usually give in since eating only takes me about 20 minutes of my mandatory hour- enough time remaining to drive somewhere and buy something terrible for me. Reaching for the fruit and nut snack seemed a little more virtuous than noshing on six mini Kit-Kats. However, I was already full from lunch and did not need to eat it. Excess calories are excess calories- healthy or not.
Snack: 1 green pear at about 4pm.
I'm proud of this one since my afternoon snack attacks are usually the worst.
Evening Consumption: I didn't exactly have dinner.
I went to my friend's house after work to show her my costume and had a glass of some sweet white wine there. Then I ran to my fiancee's place to grab the chilli I needed to bring to Chris (which I forgot anyhow) and ate about an ounce each of cheddar and pepperjack cheese with a handful of rice-almond crackers.
By the time I got to the house where Chris and I were handing out candy (7:15pm-- I usually eat dinner by 6!), I was not only ravenous with hunger, but also stressed from the drive over. I was so nervous about running into the copious trick-or-treating pedestrians hogging both sides AND the freakin' middle of the road. Seriously. I'm never driving on Halloween again! Unfortunate stress relief: Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.
Then I had a heated up lean-pocket and maybe 1/4 cup of frozen mixed veggies. Other things that made it into my stomach that night- a mini Hershey bar, a mini Whoppers packet, one mini Twizzler, another Reese’s cup, and a few nibbles of my fiancee’s frosted sugar cookie.
I'm pretty sure I didn't get enough water in the evening and I have and no exercise to report. Overall I think I had an ok day. Even though I noshed on candy, I feel better about having recorded it because it seems like so much less than it would have been in my mind...if that makes sense.
I'm going to another OA meeting tonight. Maybe this time I'll a little more relaxed.
Non-Food Commentary of the Day:
I got an email whose subject line promoted one particular Presidential candidate but the contents of the email was just bashing their opponent. I think that's tasteless. And I also hate that people assume that I want to be fed a bunch of Republican BS just because I'm a Christian. I also hate that just because I don't want to vote for Mitt Romney, people think I'd vote for Barack Obama. Most people suck.
There, I'm sharing my food and exercise but I figured I can be a little redundant and add my commentary on my actual blog.
Yesterday I ate:
Breakfast: 1/2 cup of steel cut oats with cinnamon, raisins and natural peanut butter.
I eliminated almonds from my diet for a couple weeks to figure out if I had an allergy that was causing my asthma issues. Eliminating almonds meant switching from smoothies to oats. Well I'm not allergic to almonds but I've been enjoying my oatmeal in the morning. Very yummy and warm for Fall and as a bonus, it keeps me from reaching for the snacks until about 11:30am.
Lunch: Maybe 6 oz of a steak chilli with about 6 carrot sticks dipped in homemade hummus, and a clementine. A half hour after lunch I had a Larabar.
I didn't really need the Larabar. I just wanted something sweet. I always have sweet cravings after lunch and I usually give in since eating only takes me about 20 minutes of my mandatory hour- enough time remaining to drive somewhere and buy something terrible for me. Reaching for the fruit and nut snack seemed a little more virtuous than noshing on six mini Kit-Kats. However, I was already full from lunch and did not need to eat it. Excess calories are excess calories- healthy or not.
Snack: 1 green pear at about 4pm.
I'm proud of this one since my afternoon snack attacks are usually the worst.
Evening Consumption: I didn't exactly have dinner.
I went to my friend's house after work to show her my costume and had a glass of some sweet white wine there. Then I ran to my fiancee's place to grab the chilli I needed to bring to Chris (which I forgot anyhow) and ate about an ounce each of cheddar and pepperjack cheese with a handful of rice-almond crackers.
By the time I got to the house where Chris and I were handing out candy (7:15pm-- I usually eat dinner by 6!), I was not only ravenous with hunger, but also stressed from the drive over. I was so nervous about running into the copious trick-or-treating pedestrians hogging both sides AND the freakin' middle of the road. Seriously. I'm never driving on Halloween again! Unfortunate stress relief: Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.
Then I had a heated up lean-pocket and maybe 1/4 cup of frozen mixed veggies. Other things that made it into my stomach that night- a mini Hershey bar, a mini Whoppers packet, one mini Twizzler, another Reese’s cup, and a few nibbles of my fiancee’s frosted sugar cookie.
I'm pretty sure I didn't get enough water in the evening and I have and no exercise to report. Overall I think I had an ok day. Even though I noshed on candy, I feel better about having recorded it because it seems like so much less than it would have been in my mind...if that makes sense.
I'm going to another OA meeting tonight. Maybe this time I'll a little more relaxed.
Non-Food Commentary of the Day:
I got an email whose subject line promoted one particular Presidential candidate but the contents of the email was just bashing their opponent. I think that's tasteless. And I also hate that people assume that I want to be fed a bunch of Republican BS just because I'm a Christian. I also hate that just because I don't want to vote for Mitt Romney, people think I'd vote for Barack Obama. Most people suck.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Ohai!
Whoa!
Wedding world has a way of sucking a bride away from her blog! Being so excited about getting married has distracted me from my healthy foodness...which actually served pretty well as a distraction from the pre-engagement frustration. So essentially, I've been distracted from my distraction.
In more ways than one, food provided relief while I anxiously awaited a proposal. I'd either research recipes or read about how other people are cutting out processed food, healthifying desserts, becoming vegan, going raw, etc. or if the mood struck...I'd binge.
See, I've struggled since Day 1 of my current employment situation. There seems to ALWAYS be some sort of treat or simple carbohydrate splayed out for anyone to grab. At the beginning it was simply an indulgence. After I settled into my position, I ate out of boredom. While I was dying to get engaged and doubting my self-worth, I gnawed on whatever was available until my mind is was longer on my dissatisfied heart but my uncomfortably full stomach.
After I got engaged, I was still eating after I felt full, noshing on all the most unhealthy things. At this point it was habit. Bored? Eat. Sad? Eat. Even when cookies and bagels weren't sitting out on the breakroom tables, I still felt the need to get my sugar fixes. I'd go out on lunch and buy extra food or I'd sneak into coworkers empty offices to reach into their candy jars.
To top this all off, the idea I had in my head that having a ring on my left hand would make all my problems go away turned out to be false. Surprise, surprise! Wedding planing has surprisingly been an emotional time. I'm actually very shocked-- I thought I'd be extremely busy and tired but I there have been a number of things popping up that make decision-making very difficult! Stressed? Eat.
I had been seeing a counselor since early July. Also, my asthma has flared up recently. Between therapy sessions and doctor's appointments, I've been having to take a lot of time away from the office which made me feel insecure about my job. So I took a break from therapy and tried to see if I could find a free support group during weekends and evenings.
This past Saturday I finally attended an Overeaters Anonymous (OA) group that I found a couple months ago. It's the same format as AA where there's a 12-step program and before you speak you have to say, "Hi my name is ___ and I'm a compulsive overeater." I don't like that because I really don't want to be declaring that on a regular basis. What I do like about the meeting is that God is involved. Hallelujah! I sometimes forget that I have help even if no person is around. So the reminder to pray is nice. It was suggested to attend 6 meetings before you decide whether or not OA is for you. So I plan on going to 5 more before I make a decision one way or the other. God help me.
My latest upset was last night when I saw our engagement photos. The ones that my photographer posted on facebook weren't so bad but there were a number of them in the online gallery displaying my ugly stomach rolls and chunky arms. Barf. Now I'm realizing that while I'm really scared to get on some sort of drastic weight loss plan before the wedding, that I really need to regardless. I do not want to look at my wedding photos and feel that way!!
That's about all the verbal vomit I feel like sharing today. I plan to track my food and exercise on my blog starting now. I'll probably also share wedding planning woes and success also.
Wedding world has a way of sucking a bride away from her blog! Being so excited about getting married has distracted me from my healthy foodness...which actually served pretty well as a distraction from the pre-engagement frustration. So essentially, I've been distracted from my distraction.
In more ways than one, food provided relief while I anxiously awaited a proposal. I'd either research recipes or read about how other people are cutting out processed food, healthifying desserts, becoming vegan, going raw, etc. or if the mood struck...I'd binge.
See, I've struggled since Day 1 of my current employment situation. There seems to ALWAYS be some sort of treat or simple carbohydrate splayed out for anyone to grab. At the beginning it was simply an indulgence. After I settled into my position, I ate out of boredom. While I was dying to get engaged and doubting my self-worth, I gnawed on whatever was available until my mind is was longer on my dissatisfied heart but my uncomfortably full stomach.
After I got engaged, I was still eating after I felt full, noshing on all the most unhealthy things. At this point it was habit. Bored? Eat. Sad? Eat. Even when cookies and bagels weren't sitting out on the breakroom tables, I still felt the need to get my sugar fixes. I'd go out on lunch and buy extra food or I'd sneak into coworkers empty offices to reach into their candy jars.
To top this all off, the idea I had in my head that having a ring on my left hand would make all my problems go away turned out to be false. Surprise, surprise! Wedding planing has surprisingly been an emotional time. I'm actually very shocked-- I thought I'd be extremely busy and tired but I there have been a number of things popping up that make decision-making very difficult! Stressed? Eat.
I had been seeing a counselor since early July. Also, my asthma has flared up recently. Between therapy sessions and doctor's appointments, I've been having to take a lot of time away from the office which made me feel insecure about my job. So I took a break from therapy and tried to see if I could find a free support group during weekends and evenings.
This past Saturday I finally attended an Overeaters Anonymous (OA) group that I found a couple months ago. It's the same format as AA where there's a 12-step program and before you speak you have to say, "Hi my name is ___ and I'm a compulsive overeater." I don't like that because I really don't want to be declaring that on a regular basis. What I do like about the meeting is that God is involved. Hallelujah! I sometimes forget that I have help even if no person is around. So the reminder to pray is nice. It was suggested to attend 6 meetings before you decide whether or not OA is for you. So I plan on going to 5 more before I make a decision one way or the other. God help me.
My latest upset was last night when I saw our engagement photos. The ones that my photographer posted on facebook weren't so bad but there were a number of them in the online gallery displaying my ugly stomach rolls and chunky arms. Barf. Now I'm realizing that while I'm really scared to get on some sort of drastic weight loss plan before the wedding, that I really need to regardless. I do not want to look at my wedding photos and feel that way!!
That's about all the verbal vomit I feel like sharing today. I plan to track my food and exercise on my blog starting now. I'll probably also share wedding planning woes and success also.
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